OCD and learning a language

I have had so many dreams for myself.  I prayed about those dreams.  It seems as if reality gets in the way of things. In my dreams, I am a student who has traveled the world, particularly in Brazil.  The reason why Brazil is scary is the wildlife.  It was raining spiders at one point.  Yikes.  That was when I stopped wanting to go, much less wanting to learn Portuguese.  However, I still want to learn a foreign language like Spanish. Yesterday, I was watching a telenovela from Mexico and it took me back a few years.  I don't know why, but I recall that has happened.  I forgot.  I was impatient and suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder. The obsessive thoughts it seems, could have ruined my life but also me.  It hasn't but it hasn't been easy. Now I think it is time for me to learn Spanish and maybe another language.  My goal is to learn Spanish and become a polyglot.  I wish that I had that skill.

Learning a language

There are a lot of things that I wish to do today.  There are also quite a few things that I wish to do because I feel like it.  Exercise and learning Spanish is one thing.  I wish I was a polyglot.  It would be nice to learn more than one language.  I have a hard time learning Spanish the traditional way.  I don't have that kind of patience.  It is frustrating to learn even the simplest language.  It isn't impossible, but I do that conjugation in Spanish is about taking a lot of twists and turns.  I learned some Spanish in high school, and it wasn't so hard then.  However, I wish I were a child again.  Children can pick up different languages much quicker than an adult can.  Children I guess are more sensitive and thus, it is easier to learn.  I tried to learn Portuguese last year or two ago and needless to say, it was very hard to learn.  However, I met some interesting people online.  They tried to teach me and to help me learn.  Later on, I just gave up.  This time, I don't and I promise myself that I will not give up.

Keep it simple

Today might as well be a re-post from yesterday.  I am not doing and feeling well.  I need to learn how to keep it simple.  I am just nervous right now.  However, I am in need of just facing my fears.  I just make things too complicated.  Now it is time to make things un-complicated.

Tired for now

Today I meant to write a recipe for my new found chili.  Okay, someone else made the recipe first.  So they beat me first.  It was a ground beef-pork sausage chili.  I am a decent enough cook to where my mother wanted second helpings.  I usually write out recipes but I just don't feel like it today.  I am here to write that I am not lazy but sometimes I get tired.  I get tired every once in a while.  Who doesn't?  However I need to refuel myself, I will keep writing my blogs today.

Today, I am doing a braid out

I just did a braid out and I have no clue how it will turn out.  So far, they haven't turned out as I liked.  My hair is curly so I guess it will be wavy or curly.  I am right. I just didn't like how my curly/wavy hair turned out.  It was not good, at least for me.  I really had no idea how to style a braid out much less straighten my hair.  My hair frizzes up whenever I try to straighten my hair.  Needless to say, I am glad that it is summer.

Well, I am doing another braid out.  However, the last braid out, the one I did yesterday didn't turn out as well as I liked.  However, yesterday's was experimental.  Today's braid out is not.  I would like to see if it actually works.  Yesterday I didn't start with clean, conditioned hair.  I love to braid hair, my own hair.  I would like to know if I braid out works.  I did and so far, my braid out is working.  I have been looking at videos of tutorials online and I now see what more I needed to do.  I have finally done it and my goal is that I will not be a "victim" of a bad hair day.

Braid outs

I just did a braid out and I have no clue how it will turn out.  So far, they haven't turned out as I liked.  My hair is curly so I guess it will be wavy or curly.  I am right. I just didn't like how my curly/wavy hair turned out.  It was not good, at least for me.  I really had no idea how to style a braid out much less straighten my hair.  My hair frizzes up whenever I try to straighten my hair.  Needless to say, I am glad that it is summer.

Writing and change

There are 6 blogs including this one that I author daily.  At least that is supposed to create and write daily. Author is such a great term.  Speaking of the word author, I have at one time written a series of poems and short stories over the years.  I now wonder why I have stopped.  I was once a kind of person who either doesn't finish what she has started or I just procrastinate.  The reason being was that I was hard on myself because I have this rigid, perfectionist personality that I believe has held me back.  In other words, I have done a fabulous job of allowing myself to be held back.  I do tend to be negative on myself and I realize that that has got to change.  I am changing minute by minute day by day.  I can see and feel the results.  I am more honest, open, and my mind even clearer.  That is now how I feel about change.  I was a person who hated change.  I wasn't used to change.  I like things just the way they are.  I was comfortable when there was no change.  Change just made me uncomfortable.  But life is about change and life isn't about comfort and so there is no use crying over being uncomfortable because every thing and every one changes.  That is just a part of life.

Reflecting about myself

I love posting videos up on my blog.  They are my way of taking a break.  Plus, I have nothing to reflect at the moment.  I only have a number of blogs to write daily.  I believe that my reflections are often about my life.  I have just written about my weight journey.  I have just started my weight journey and for the past month, I have lost seven pounds.  I do feel good about my weight loss but I realize that I need to change my mindset on the whole weight loss thing.  I also need to change my mindset in every detail of my life.  Often do I muse about weight loss, music, and my weight.  When was the last time I muse how my day has been? Dating? Friends? Life in general?  I am saddened that there is more to life, my life, than just music, my health, and my worries.  I really don't have as many worries as I thought come to think of it.  I realize that my mindset need to be "turned around".  I need to be optimistic and that now I can take action.

I love these 80s songs

 "Body" by The Jackson

 "Centipede" by Rebbie Jackson

 "The Rain" by Oran "Juice" Jones

 "Word Up" by Cameo

 "Take on Me" by a-ha

 "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama

 "Affair" by Cherelle

 "Secret Rendezvous" by Karyn White

 "Mercedes Boy" by Pebbles

Black Lives do matter, but so does all life..

I totally agree.  Black lives do matter.  So does all life.  We seem to live in a culture of death.  I am here to write that black people have been treated horribly in the US.  Now having said this, there are people who do believe that the life of some matters more than the lives of others.  Why is it when a white person does something to a black person, there are charges that the person is racist and that they are just looking for a black person to kill, hence the black lives matter mantra?  Should I even say mantra?  Is the word mantra an insult in this?  I guess I should.  I guess I should not.  We live in a world where there are some evil, vile people who do discriminate and mistreat people because of race and color as well as class.  Now having said all that, how about the black lives in abortion clinics?  How about the black lives who are gone because of at the hands of other black people? Where is the mainstream media narrative there?  There was a play called "Our Young Black Men are Dying and No One Seems to Care"?  Why does it seem that it isn't just one or other groups who don't seem to care, it is so many black people as well?  Why do we allow things like this to happen to ourselves and each other?  I am not sure we should use that phrase unless we do something about it for ourselves and our communities.

ALL Black is Beautiful.

I remember when I was a kid, I was teased because I wasn't thin, athletic, and had a big nose and mouth.  It was endless but it was still cruel.  The fact that we have colorism and "featurism" is bad enough.  Featurism means that people a person by their features such as the wide nose, the big lips, and the high cheek bones. These are "typical" features of many black people in the US and around the world.  In a world where lighter skin and slimmer noses are considered more beautiful, it seems hard to compete if a black person has darker skin or a wide nose, or bigger lips.  A person with darker skin, or a bigger nose, or bigger lips are often featured negatively or not at all in mass media.  I also noticed that in the novelas that dark skinned characters are almost never leads, are stereotyped, or never shown at all.  It is ask if they rarely exists except in certain levels of society.  There is obvious colorism in both the Black American "community" and in Latin America, where many of the rich and leads in novelas have lighter skin.  Meanwhile many of the representatives of black beauty are often mixed-race, or have slimmer noses and lighter skin.  Many of these representatives of beauty in the black community in the US are rarely featured in modeling ads, music videos, or in most American tv shows.  For every representation of India Arie and Viola Davis, there are many more representations of Halle Berry, Beyonce, Mariah Carey, or Rhianna in many tv shows, movies, or music videos.  I do wonder if ti is our fault or does the white man really have a hold on us.  Or is it that slavery is just is a reason, but not the main reason that colorism exists.  I am not sure as I am not a historian, but one thing is for sure.  How can we call ourselves as black Americans "community" when we don't alway behave like a communal people?  How much is the white man responsible for our division?  Or is it that we have chosen to view people in a different light based on skin tone or features ourselves?  Why is it that we often judge white people for not accepting us when black people rarely accept ourselves?  Should they be held responsible for what their ancestors did or do we as black people become more self-reliant and realize that there are too many of us who hate themselves and allow ourselves and others to teach our kids the same thing?  Either way, ALL black is beautiful.

Making the choices that benefit oneself

Today is going a good day.  That is something that I predict.  I now believe the statement that life is about choices, including my food choices.  I don't expect perfection but I expect the end of frustration and bad eating habits.  I don't consume what is available anymore.  I do a lot of research for my health.  Putting it all in place was frustrating in itself.  However, I realize that I have allow others to speak or do things for me. They can't but I can.  I often expect others to fight for me or vocalize things for me.  I believe that despite the fact that I am the last to be picked for baseball games, I can still apply that and learn from it.  I was the last person picked and often.  I realize that I don't have to stay the last person.  Despite what happens in my life, I don't have to stay feeling that way.  I need to make the choice to either cry about it or improve my athletic skills.  Also, it is a good analogy for me to lose weight.  I wasn't the most athletic student, but I have to make choices in my life that could either be of benefit to me or to let the opinion of others happen.  I know that the analogy may not be the best but my point is I have to make the choice to improve my diet.  I am an adult.  I have to learn to do things myself.

Having PCOS and dealing with frustration

I am just bored right now.  As a matter of fact, trying to express something on the fly is not easy.  That was the same way with exercise.  Now it is diet and writing a journal.  I was going to write about PCOS, but I realize that I still can.  Well anyways, I need to lose weight.  My health is no longer in decline.  I am feeling better from all of the walking and all of the outside work.  So far, so good.  It can be frustrating however. The hard part is to deal with the cravings at night.  Those are the things that I struggle with.  Right now, my grocery list and meal plans have been a struggle to follow.  I hate that that is the case.  I find women who have lost the weight quite inspiring.  Maybe it is the frustration about my poor diet that is holding me back.

The Ascension of Jesus

I believe that the Father rose Jesus from the dead.  I have felt guilty about the things that I have done.  I have been no angel and I am still not.  I realize that all of us could use a personality change as well as a spiritual change.  I am no longer the young woman who had suicidal thoughts.  I wrote a testimony of my life a few years ago.  It is still the same way.  I have come to realize that with God all things are possible.  He has also gives me strength.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I love the entire Bible but there are certain passages that I can identify with.  As a Christian, I am to pray and read and study God's Word.  Sadly  I have not, enough.  This has been a reflection and opinion on the Truth.

Black is beautiful; well set makeup

Though generally I don't wear makeup, I believe that makeup can enhance a person's natural beauty.  So I have been told that.  Makeup adds a burst of color to one's natural "palette".  I love makeup and I wish I use it more.  I had to throw away some makeup lately in order to purchase some new ones.  It would be a big waste of money if I don't use it.  There is nothing more than a woman, or rather, a black woman whose makeup is well put together.  I didn't mean that to be racist however.  I am a black woman and I see the beauty in all people, but with us, there is a special kind of beauty.  It is hard to describe.  I have heard this before, "Nothing beats a pretty black child."  It wasn't meant to be racist in any way, shape, or form.  The person who mentioned that was not being a racist, nor is she a racist.  She was just making the point about black beauty.  We live in a nation or rather world where black women are not praised or respected.  In fact, there are some narrow-minded people who think that all black people are unattractive if not, ugly.  That is why I posted these pictures above.  To me, there is just nothing like a black woman whose makeup is well set and who is well put altogether.  I recall going to a predominately black university where one can see all complexions of black people.  It was just a beautiful site to behold.  It is amazing how such diversity can and is a beautiful thing.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 I rejoiced with those who said to me, "Let us go to the house of the LORD." 2 Our feet are standing in your gates, O Jerusalem. 3 Jerusalem is built like a city that is closely compacted together. 4 That is where the tribes go up, the tribes of the LORD, to praise the name of the LORD according to the statute given to Israel. 5 There the thrones for judgment stand, the thrones of the house of David. 6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: "May those who love you be secure. 7 May there be peace within your walls and security within your citadels." 8 For the sake of my brothers and friends, I will say, "Peace be within you." 9 For the sake of the house of the LORD our God, I will seek your prosperity.

RIP Sage Moonblood Stallone

Sage Stallone

This is Sage Stallone.  Sadly, this was the late Sage Stallone.  He was a young man when he passed away.  He would have been 39 had he lived.  He was so good looking.  I wish I knew more about him.  He was a good actor in the movies I have seen him in.  I had a major crush on him, and even now I still do.  I am typing this at the risk of sounding crazy.  I just wish I could have accepted it sooner.  I am obsessed with everything dealing with Sage Stallone.  Sadly, I will never get to meet him.  I don't even know what kind of person he was.  I am saddened that he is gone.  I was surprised when I found out about his death.  I only knew him as the kid from "Rocky V".  He was such a cute kid who grew up to be a fine looking guy.  I only wish I could watch "Vic", the short film he created.  I even look at pictures of Sage.  I was afraid to even admit this because I will never get to meet him or know him.  Looking at his grave was quite sobering.  I cannot imagine what his family is going through.  It is just so sad.  He seemed to be such a beautiful young man.

My day so far

I have an exercise blog and I guess I should have made this point on that particular blog.  I didn't realize how out of shape I was today.  Maybe I need to fix my pedometer.  Seriously I am not doing well.  Okay, I haven't done well today.  I just look forward to exercise and all that comes with it.  I had back pain this morning and it is as if the exercise has helped quite a bit.    Unfortunately, I need to find a new battery.  How frustrating is that.

Inspired to work out

I am now watching an infomercial about working out.  Would I have the stamina?  That is something that is of great concern to me.  I did in fact lose some weight since I have exercised.  It feels great.  Exercise isn't a guilty pleasure.  It isn't something that is a chore.  In fact, it is something that I enjoy doing and looking forward to doing every single day.  I could cry at the times when I thought that exercise would be a chore.

Prayer for the persecuted

Father in Heaven, you make your sun shine
on good and bad alike.
Your Son Jesus Christ died for us all
and in his glorious Resurrection
He still retains the five wounds of his Passion.
With his divine power he now sustains
all those who suffer persecution and martyrdom
for the sake of their fidelity
to the faith of the Church.
Merciful and mighty Father,
do not allow Cain to return again to murder
helpless Abel, innocent Abel.
May persecuted Christians around the world
remain, like Mary, their Mother,
together at the foot of the cross
of Christ the Martyr.
Comfort those menaced by violence
and those oppressed by uncertainty.
May your Holy Spirit of love
make fruitful the witness and the blood
of those who die forgiving.  In the name of Jesus.

Amen.

How I am feeling about exercise

I have done a lot, okay, some exercise today.  Exercise is something that has motivated me to overcome my anxiety.  I know that is for another blog but so far, I am feeling so much better.  It is not only physically that I am feeling well, it is also mentally.  I am more motivated to exercise than ever before.  I look forward to exercise, for it is not a chore for me.  It isn't a form of drudgery anymore.  I know that this could also be on another blog.  I just feel great, yet tired.

Songs that I still listen to even today (1998-2008)

 "Get it on the Floor" by DMX

 "Feeling So Good" by Jennifer Lopez, Fat Joe, and Big Pun (RIP)

 "Hot Boyz" by Missy Elliott 

 "No Matter What They Say" by Lil' Kim

 "In da Club" by 50 Cent

 "All the Things She Said" by t.A.T. u.

 "I Love This Bar" by Toby Keith

Happy Birthday, Sly Stallone

 

Sly Stallone is one of many actors I have grown up watching.  This past weekend I have been watching the Rocky Marathon.  Spike TV, however, did not air "Rocky Balboa".  I actually liked the last two films.  Yes, I even like "Rocky V".  Over time, I have begun to like the movies more and more.  Over the last year, I have been watching "F.I.S.T", the "Rocky" saga, the "Rambo" saga, "Cliffhanger", "D-Tox", "Tango and Cash", "The Specialist", and the first two "Expendable" movies.  His movies are movies that I believe hold up pretty well.  He is actually a pretty decent actor. I, for one, have become a fan.

Guilty pleasures II

Yesterday I wrote about and put up some "guilty pleasure" videos on this very blog.  The good thing about guilty pleasures is that no one has the right to judge what another 's taste are.  What is not considered high-brow to some doesn't matter to you.  It is a guilty pleasure of yours.  That is also how I feel about these videos.

 "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea

 "Curvy Cola Bottle" by Chico

 "Wheel of Fortune" by Ace of Base

 "Come and Get Your Love" by Real Mccoy

 "Informer" by Snow

 "What That Thang Smell Like" by Black Jesus

 "Get Low" by Lil' Jon

Guilty Pleasure songs

This is a "I don't care anymore" type of  blog entry.  I admit that I have taken into account what other people think.  I just have to realize that it is okay to have opinions and to have feelings and thoughts on my very own.  Music is also one of those things.  I love this blog as well because I get to express my feelings online.  This time it is about my guilty pleasure songs.  I personally love these songs from these artists.  Here are the videos below:

 "Worth it" by Fifth Harmony ft. Kid Ink

 "Old Times Sake" by Sweet Sable ft. Nikke Nicole

 "U Smile" by Justin Bieber

 "Spice Up Your Life" by The Spice Girls

 "The Call" by The Backstreet Boys

 "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj

 "(You Drive Me )Crazy" by Britney Spears

 "Hey Mama" by David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj, Afrojack, and Bebe Rexha