Time to do something new and different

I am doing well in my life I think.  I think that despite all that I write I am grateful for much.  I have much and I am for the most part able minded and able bodied.  Right now, I feel like something is missing.  I don't do a whole lot and I don't go out much.  I have been trying to "find myself" for many years.  I have my likes and my dislikes of course which I have discussed.  I also have my plans.  I would like to go back to school and major in mathematics or become a teacher.  I have some teaching experience as a substitute teacher but that is so long ago.  However, I wonder if that is what is in store for me .  I have asked God why I am here but I have no idea what His will for my life is. Not only was I a substitute teacher but I also worked at a restaurant.  I do love to cook, so does that mean I should be a chef?  Maybe.  I have thought about becoming a chef before.  Maybe I should try that. However, just because I watch Ming Tsai on TV doesn't mean that I will be a chef in ten months. Ming Tsai has years of experience and education under his belt.  That is why he is on TV.  I have few friends so I need some connections and a support system.  I need to do more in the course of a day than do the same things over and over and over again.  I would like to start life over again.  Maybe I can learn a new skill like crocheting or building a house.  I feel more energized today than I have felt in a long time.

Wondering what is wrong with me

I may have to go to the doctor.  For the past week, I have been having headaches and blood sugar lows.  I am very concerned about my health.  I wish that I knew what is wrong.  I wonder if something is worse than I thought it would be.  I am not a doctor so I don't wish to diagnose myself but I just hope it is not the diabetes. Right now my blood sugar is normal so I wonder if it could be something else.  Maybe I am just worried over nothing.  I tend to worry over things that haven't happened yet or never will happen.

Exercise and needed reminders

I have just finished exercising with Leslie Sansone.  It was quite a bit of a fun workout.  I am starting to like exercise more and more.  With a changing mindset about exercise, it is no longer a chore.  It is quite a bit interesting now.  I would like to make exercise a habit.  It has been said that it may take weeks for a habit to start forming.  I look forward to that.  Right now, I plan to exercise a minimum of 10-15 minutes per day as I am physically able.  I use exercise videos so far and I also have to prepare myself for the fact that losing weight takes work on my part.  It is work, but it is well worth it.  I have to remind myself that even though I have a weight issue, I also have a hormonal issue.  I am also a diabetic who has to work extra hard to make sure my blood sugar stays normal, not too low, and not too high.  It is those daily reminders that keep me in check.  They are definitely needed.

Weight loss goals

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it."
---- William Arthur Ward

I guess this quote is also a reminder to keep on keeping on.  There will be stumbling blocks along the way.  Reality does kick in which makes a dream hard.  I have learned to remind myself to never give up for this is a journey of life.  Winners never quit and quitters never win.  I want to live and be the game not just talk a good game.  My dream is to be a person who is healthy, wealthy, and wise. Being healthy is a goal of mine that I wish to accomplish not out of guilt but out of necessity.  My feet hurt and I am not as physically able to do the things that I once did or would like to do.  I don't want to be later in my 40s and 50s weighing 350+ pounds wishing and working on being healthier when I could do that right now.  I have lost 10 lbs so far, which is good.  I may have to change my goals no matter what so doing the same thing over and over again and expecting better results over time may not be wise.  My goal is to lose 100 lbs in a year, which is how long I plan to stay on Weight Watchers which is my plan of choice.  I have changed my eating habits by a lot but I still have a long way to go into saying that I have changed completely.  I still have struggles along the way but I have learned that weight loss is a gradual thing and a lifelong thing.  So my specific goal is to lose 100 lbs by next January and also to maintain a healthy weight for life which means that I will have to change my diet and exercise goals along the way.  So after this week, my goal is to lose 9 lbs a month or about 2 lbs a week.  Right now, I am happy with what I have accomplished but I know that this year will be a year of accountability, support, and reminders of what I can accomplish.

How I really see myself versus what I imagine for myself

In the mirror I see my true self as we all do.  I have been self-conscious about my weight for years and now I see myself as someone who can do this.  I need a change in my mindset.  This is much easier than I thought for the most part.  So far, I have lost 10 pounds but now the exercise has not been easy for me.  I have gained so much weight over the years and now walking has been of benefit to me in every way.  My health is important and at my age, I realize that I may have many more years of unneeded health issues that could have been prevented.  My future looks brighter now than it has been in a while, as long as I stay on the path that I am on.  I have a few more changes to make such as incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet, eating in moderation, and overcoming mindless eating.  I am even learning that a simple, literal menu solves all of those problems.  I have found myself overwhelmed for years and that is why I couldn't get anything done.  I have lived in a sea of anxiety and frustration and while they are still around I can finally deal with them.  I have to remind myself what I am up against and why this is important.  So far, I have lost 10 pounds or so and I feel better already.  I look forward to the future.  I don't imagine what it will be like but imagining and visualizing are two totally different things.  I visualize a healthier person who focuses on herself and on her health.  I often imagine scenarios of a different person who focuses on herself but with probably unrealistic expectations and unrealistic dimensions and an unrealistic life.  Personally, imagination is good but I rather visualize for now.  I have realistic goals in mind that are subject to change but I choose to live for the hear and now so that I will be able to live in the future.  Those are my goals for now.

The Oscars Review

So I watched the Oscars last night and it wasn't the most exciting show but that was okay by me.  I am not into all of the crazy moments and the curse words.  The show itself was classy enough and Neil Patrick Harris did a good job.  He was funny.  The dresses were nice and there was none out of the ordinarily bad.  Some may have been a bit unique but that was it.  It wasn't as fun as it was last year and there were no selfies, lol.  The show was okay but that was it.  Nothing or no one really truly stood out for me all that much.  I did like the guy who mentioned calling our parents though, that was nice.  I didn't think I would give the Oscars a review today but what else was there.  I only woke up an hour ago after a very long nap.

The Oscars 2015

I actually look forward to the Oscars ceremony tonight.  I guess it is because I have nothing better to do and because this is officially the end of the Awards Season for this year.  I am so glad that this will be the end as I hate award shows in general.  Whatever ails me when it comes to them rarely if ever happens because of the real nature of the OCD thoughts.  They are illogical and exaggerated.  They are rarely if ever based on reality.  They are the opposite of who we are so they go against our personality.  I fear that someone will be humiliated on their big night.  When if their name gets called to the stage only for it all to be a big fat joke?  When if that were to happen in real life?  I shudder to think.  In reality it has never happened but what if?  That is the real reason for my hatred, okay dislike, or award shows. Sometimes they are boring at its worst and are a showcase of the best and worst in some cases that the entertainment industry offers during the year.  But at least the dresses are beautiful.

Living life as a scrupulous person

Jesus saves.  How come I have problems believing that for me sometimes?  I have been preoccupied with the matter of my soul that I cannot just ignore it.  For the past few days I have had issues with my identity in Christ and I sometimes even now, don't know who I am.  I am not sure if it is the obsessive thoughts, the enemy, or just me.  The Devil is the father of lies so of course he could take advantage of my issues, but is he now?  Is it all him?  Did he even have something to do with the issues that I have?

Is OCD spiritual?  Do I have scrupulosity or is it deception?  Have I deceived myself into thinking I am saved?  These are some sobering questions.  They scare me even.  My soul is of the utmost importance because this is about eternity.  This is about loving the Lord and living for Him and being with Him for all eternity.  How can that happen if I believe that I am still engaged in an affair with the world and am being deceived?  I guess that is what it is like to have scrupulosity. Religion cuts to the core of who I am and so do moral issues.  I take morality and religion seriously.

I believe I am a Christian.  I think I am a Christian.  Do I know I am a Christian?  I thought I was. Judgement Day scares me now.  I am now "envious" of those who know who they are.  It has been like this for many many years and I don't know what else to say or what else to do.  It hasn't driven me crazy but this past week I had to fight.  Fighting hard is all I know how to do.  It hasn't been rough but it hasn't been easy either.

Day 2 of exercise regimen

Today was okay.  It wasn't so bad.  In fact, I believe that I am now more settled than before.  Writing things down and saying them out loud have been beneficial.  Exercise has been a great thing for me too.  I still have to deal with what if and wanting to not do it.  However, procrastination was a major battle for me.  I want to win and exercise and lose weight and keep it off.  Right now I am at exercise. Today is only day 2 of an exercise regimen.  I have to remind myself to never give up.  Make it a habit.  I have the tools that I need at my disposal.  I don't have a gym at my house nor do I have gym equipment.  Right now all I need are myself and my motivation.  Today I will do a total body toning exercise, which is what I need for me even though I have an apple shaped body.  Right now, I am not totally sure if I am able to do a T25 or another advanced program, but I am physically able to at least walk.  I was given good advice from my doctor and I will continue to follow that advice.

Inspired by reading weight loss stories

Today was a good day.  I had no major problems.  In fact, I did something about it.  I confessed.  I had to humble myself and I finally spilled what I hadn't spilled in years.  There was so much that I wish that I could do or say, but I didn't do either.  I am doing so much better since I did that and since I have exercised.  I am happy to have actually done that.  I am also inspired by reading weight loss stories and needless to say, I can relate to these stories.  I wasn't a thin child and I gained a lot of weight over the years.  I have also lost a lot of weight over the years.  I have PCOS and so far, I lost 10 pounds.  I lost that weight with Weight Watchers, but this time, I hope to stick with it.  I plan to stick with it for at least a year.  I didn't stay that long the last couple of times.  This time, I am staying.  I have been overwhelmed which made things even more difficult than they already were.  I have a lot of learn but the lessons are well worth it.  I have been counting calories for years and for a time they work, but this time, things have changed.  I am actually taking action by dealing with the anxiety using relaxation techniques and talking about my issues helped.  I have learned in the past few weeks to learn how to eat in moderation, not get too overwhelmed, become more patient over time, and rely on trusted support from those who know where I have been.  So far, so good.

My Stevie Wonder Tribute

Monday night I was watching the tribute to Stevie Wonder.  It was such a fun show that a few years ago I was listening to one of his songs, "As".  Jill Scott, Ja'nelle Monet, and India Arie sang their own version which I enjoyed.  I enjoyed the whole show in fact.  Stevie Wonder is one of my favorite artists whose songs anyone can sing along to.  The man is a pure legend.

 "As"

 "All I Do"

 "I Was Made to Love Her"

 "Overjoyed"

Who I am now and why I can and will win...

I am Gail Gerald.  I am a 40 year old woman who embraces her age.  I am a woman who is positive that all is well and that all will continue to be well.  I know that I will be.  I have been so negative for far too long.  I have changed and grown a lot.  I should have after 40 years on this planet.  Today is a day in which I realize that I have strength and that I own it.  I own the fact that I have OCD.  I have OCD.  I have obsessive compulsive disorder and had its symptoms for many years.  For a long time I could not take it anymore, so yes, it has been an uphill struggle.  I prayed for healing but often times the relief has been temporary.  I focused on the wrong things.  I gave the thoughts too much attention, and the images have been "bullying" me for so long, I realize that I have got to stand up to the OCD. Yesterday I was listening to this song about overcoming fear and I realize that fear is something that can be overcome.  I am to be made perfect in love for I have yet to be made perfect.  I fear OCD spikes but even I can overcome those.  This has been the issue for today.  I had a spike last night and I have been tempted to check for infidelity stories.  However, I have come to realize that since I had these thoughts, all I ended up was more stories about infidelity, heartbreak, and a fight against anxiety.  I need to remind myself of that.  Fear and anxiety are my enemies because they have been nothing but bullies. It is time for me to stand up to those bullies and fight back.  It may take some work, but it will be worth it.  As a believer in Christ, I am an over comer, at least I was supposed to be.  I am supposed to fight back.  This is warfare and I need to use every weapon at my arsenal.  I think it is time.

Think on these things...

Think on these things....Philippians 4:8

I love these words.  I have been doing a study on this verse and I can relate to that.  The Bible speaks to us through its words.  It convicts us and it corrects and guides us.  God's Word is magnificent to say the least.  I can relate this verse to my own situation.  I have had struggles with thinking on things that are true, just, honest, pure, love, lovely, and are of good report.  I just believe that with having obsessive thoughts, it can be an automatic struggle.  I am of the belief that God has the answer to everything and so does His Word.  Having obsessive thoughts are and can be annoying to say the least.  I believe that God's Word is a panacea to my mind as well as the rest of my being.  I realize that this verse is about thinking on the things of God, at least that is how I interpret it.  God's Word is truth.  It replicates His true nature and it gives the good news.  He can give us peace, forgiveness, and salvation.  The thoughts I realize are not based on anything in my life so I realize that best I can do is to not dwell on them.  The best thing I can do is to dwell on what is true.  We are to live holy and so we should also think and meditate on holiness as well.

Being 40 and being true to myself

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” – Hardy D. Jackson

It is time for me to to be true to myself.  It feels good to be true to oneself.  There is nothing like it. While there are surely worse things, having no sense of identity is bad enough.  I have been there. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.  Being 40 is about a young person who is settled and all grown up.  Being 40 does not mean half of one's life is over.  It means that a 40 year old knows who they are and what they want.  We should not define ourselves by what the world thinks.  We have enough wisdom that we cannot be considered young and naive, but we are young enough in that we are still growing because we are not in old age yet.  I guess some people would consider that midlife, but that sentence could describe someone who is 30 as well as 40.

Anyway, I would like to write about who I am and what I really want when it comes to the issue of my health and my weight.  It took me until I was 40 that I have been in a cycle of being overwhelmed because of unhealthy eating habits for years.  I felt guilty about being overweight.  It didn't help matters that I cared so much about what others thought about me.  I wasn't always overweight however.  I wanted to go back to that time when I wasn't overweight.  That was back when I was in high school, over 20 years ago.

The truth is, I cannot go back 20 years, nor do I find it realistic.  On the other hand, I would like to feel that I am proud of myself and my appearance.  I worked hard on that appearance and I felt great about my appearance.  I could easily find clothes to wear for instance.  The truth is, now I wish I felt that way about myself.  I am not healthy and I am on medication for various health conditions including blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes.  I feel guilty and wish I didn't let myself go.

I have low self esteem and that was part of the reason why.  Now I weigh almost 300 lbs and the truth of the matter is, that though I have my own opinions about weight and how I would be viewed, I don't always see it about myself.  I tend to look down on myself and compare myself to others.  Why don't I have a flat stomach and a bigger butt?  Why is my butt flat or small?  How come how I look is considered unattractive?  It doesn't help that that is how I really feel about myself.  I am and have been self-conscious about my appearance for most of my adulthood.

I know I have PCOS and that has not been easy to deal with, but there are times when I wish I didn't allow myself to be so overweight.  I was about 165 lbs when I was in high school.  I was ashamed to talk about my weight because I was so thin.  At least I was about as thin as I could have been.  I have a large frame so I guess 160 lbs or so was the smallest I could be with my frame at my height.  No matter word, it seems that I will never be enough for the world.  That has been my problem.  I care way too much about what others think of me.

I have a disorder and it is up to me to take better care of myself.  Whether I weigh 100, 200, or 300, what matters is that there is a weight that is healthy for me and a weight that is not.  Weighing nearly 300 lbs. is not healthy for me and neither is weighing 100 lbs.  I have gotten so caught up in how much to weigh and other things that I forgot the greater details.  Health and being at a healthy weight matters.  But if I wanted to weigh a specified number, then 200 lbs would be that number.  I would like a little meat on my bones but at the same time I am not so unhealthy that my feet hurt, which is what is going on now.  I have grown out of listening to the noise of the world saying this, that, and the other, because of my weight.  I am just as good and just as important as the rest of the world.

Real beauty is in the eye of the beholder, including myself.  The world may see me as unattractive or even in denial but it is up to me to see myself as beautiful which I always have not.  I know that I am not healthy and that is because I am clinically obese.  Having said all of that, I can choose to be overweight, underweight, or at an average weight.  No one has to be fat, thin, or average sized.  We all have choices to make and my choice is to be healthy and have a healthy sense of self.  Can a fat or thin person have a healthy sense of self?  I think so, but it depends upon how the person see his or herself.  I choose to see myself as a beautiful, kind person whose goal is to be healthy.  Health is about fitness, healthy eating, and overall well being.

Paintings of long ago

 "The Bone Player" by William Sidney Mount

 "The Banjo Lesson " by Henry Ossawa Tanner

 "Portrait of an African Slave Woman" by Annibale Carracci

Maybe I should do something like this on pinterest.  I am a person who is fascinated and ended up saddened by the evils of man and of history itself.  I can only imagine the indignities they had to go through, yet I look at these portraits and I see nothing but the opposite.  They looked like regular people just like you and I.  I wasn't sure what to muse about today but I saw the first painting "The Bone Player" and I am reminded of the images of blacks in various paintings and even in advertisements.  Some were true and many were stereotypical and just vile.  I don't offend easily because I as a black person am not a walking breathing negative stereotype.  However for people to think demeaning stereotypes are cool is quite sad.  However, that is what happened decades ago.  These images were painted centuries ago and I for one don't find these images demeaning but quite a good use of an artist's gift.  These are beautiful paintings that were taken in time periods where slavery was considered normal or okay and where some benefited from the enslavement of others.

No entry.

No entry.

Money

I wonder what the Bible has to say about the lottery.  I thought about the lottery just now because of all of the winnings and the hopes of winning.  I wondered what were to happen if I were to win a lottery.  Money is important but not a god.  Money will not take us to heaven or hell but the love of money (greed) is the root of all evil.  I am just wondering so much now about what can be done with thousands if not, millions of dollars.  I am one of those people who love money but am content with my wages.  I am also one of those people who know that money can make one miserable.  Mo money mo problems.  It obviously took a wise person to come up with that.

RIP Whitney Houston

Genealogy and the issue of race

I was watching a PBS show about genealogy and it re-ignited my interest in the subject.  It also ignited something else.  It ignited obsessive thoughts about race and racism.  It is like infidelity in that it cannot be escaped.  No matter what, racism is here to stay.  I am of the opinion that while race shouldn't matter for the most part, it doesn't change the fact that it does in some situations.  It is a fact that race permeates every area of the world and crosses all race and language barriers.

Now having said that, I find my obsessive thoughts about race and racism less bothersome.  As a matter of fact, I know that I am not obsessed with race to the point that I am so fixated that that is all I know about.  I have other interests and I would like to talk and write about other things.  Genealogy is one of those things.

I have taken an interest in genealogy over the years and it is amazing what I have found.  I am a descendant of black Americans who ancestors were slaves and European immigrants from England. My ancestry stretches through the Pee Dee area of South Carolina to Bladen County, in North Carolina.  I am unique in my own way.  I am proud of the ancestry that I have for it makes me who I am.  I cannot change it, nor do I want to change it at all.  That is like changing my DNA and I certainly don't want that.

My genealogy taught me so much that I would not be able to learn in many schools and even colleges and universities.  I feel proud of my lineage for that reason alone.  I have learned to embrace it.

Fluency in many languages

This is a young man who speaks numerous languages including French, Turkish, Xhosa, and Ojibwe. I am envious of polyglots.  They have the innate ability to communicate with various people of various cultures without looking awkward.  I tried to learn a few languages like Spanish, Portuguese, French, and even Italian.  Sadly, I am not fluent in any of them, because I can not carry on a conversation in either of them.  I wish I was a polyglot.  Maybe then it wouldn't take so long to learn all of those languages and communicate to so many people.

What I am watching right now

Right now , I am not doing much.  However, I wouldn't say watching the first "Hunger Games" isn't what I call not doing much.  It has become one of my favorite films.  I realize that when it comes to movies, I am far behind the rest of the country but not so much that I have no idea who Jennifer Lawrence or Channing Tatum are.

Yes, I know that Channing is not in this movie, but it would be interesting if he were.  He is an okay actor, believable enough, but he isn't the best actor out there. Interestingly enough, I believe that he has been nominated for an Oscar so what do I know about who is good enough or passable enough. I misjudged him.  He obviously did a better than passable job if he were nominated for an Oscar.  Enough about Channing Tatum.

Right now, I am watching watching Jessie J and Tom Jones sing together.  They sound great together. If only they were to do more collaborations outside of the Grammys like Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett.  Anyways, that is all I have to say for now.

God, our Number One Priority

I am too caught up in the things of this world.  That is not something that I am proud to admit.  As I peel back the layers so the speak, I am reminded that all of us have issues and mine is that I am too anxiety ridden and I need guidance and support.  Every day is one day closer to victory and one day closer to anything that is better than temporary relief.  Having emotional and psychological problems are a daily struggle but with hard work, I know that there are possibilities but with God there are victories.  I guess that is what it means that little miracles happen every day.  I guess that is what it means.  I am certainly living proof that little miracles happen daily.  Getting my priorities straight is crucial is our walk with Christ and that I have gotten caught up with TV shoes and movies and sports and other things.  I didn't always take time to put Christ first and I brought it on no one but myself.  I have been living in a cycle of anxiety and uncertainty and it has been hard to take.  I often have these moments where I could not believe the answer was right in front of my face.  The answer is holy living and the first priority is the Lord.  TV shows get cancelled, times change, and friends come and go.  I will myself take comfort in knowing that God doesn't get cancelled, He doesn't change, and He won't come and go.

My weight loss journey and the issue of endurance

These quotes struck me:

"Life is a series of baby steps along the way and if you add up these tiny little steps you take toward your goal, whatever it is, whether it's giving up something, a terrible addiction or trying to work your way through an illness. When you total up those baby steps you'd be amazed over the course of 10 years, the strides you've taken."...Hoda Kotb

"I do what I love to do at the moment. If I wake up tomorrow and decide I want to dance, that's what I'd do. Or design clothes. I think I'd throw myself into whatever I'm doing now. It's not about abandoning what I was doing before, or giving up. It's about knowing that if I die tomorrow, I lived the way I wanted to."---Ayumi Hamasaki

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. It may mean giving up familiar but limiting patterns, safe but unrewarding work, values no longer believed in, and relationships that have lost their meaning."---John C. Maxwell

"My best career decision was probably not giving up when I wanted to. God as well as my family and friends were there for me during my toughest times."...Jeremy Lin

I feel like giving up right now.  I have lost weight but it is in those moments when a series of mistakes are made is when I keep making the same mistakes over and over.  However, I am older, wiser, and my resolve has been stronger.  I have admittedly been on Weight Watchers before and I promised myself that I will stay on the program for a year.  Right now I have been on the program for less than 2 months and I have had doubts about staying.  Losing weight has been a struggle for me but with every journey, there are lessons to be learned.  I know that if I were to quit, then I will be left with wasted money, regret, and an unhealthy mind and body.  So far I have lost a few pounds since I have started the program and I feel pretty good.  I am not sure  how much I want to lose actually but even the first ten pounds sound healthy right about now.

Videos of what I like and what I wish to explore

I know that I tend to post pics and videos onto my blog.  Today will be no exception at least in this case.  I had another light bulb moment and that is to not make my world smaller but to make it bigger.  Having OCD is no joke and I won't let it make a joke out of me.  I have wondered what are my likes and dislikes.  I would like to know what to do with myself while I am still walking the planet.  I am thankful for much and I have decided to live my life as a grateful person.    These are the videos I like and wish to explore:

Yoga is like something I pass through yet I have not explored it fully.  I read the book or at least parts of the book but I never really studied out of it or applied it to me.  I would go to websites only to look through.  It was more of a window shopping thing than actually trying it on and buying.  This is quite a good analogy since I have never spent even a minute doing or trying yoga.  I believe that this would be a good start to any exercise program and such is the reason for my interest in yoga.  It wouldn't hurt to relax my mind in some way since I have OCD.

Pilates is another fat burning exercise.  Should I even call pilates exercise?  When I think exercise, I think of walking, running, and sit ups.  I would like to know more about pilates and how it could tone my muscles.  I wonder if it would also strengthen my core and my bones.  I am not in the best physical shape and I would like to try pilates for that basic reason alone.

I have a whole "book" of stretches that I have yet to do.  However, I have not taken enough time to stretch out my muscles.  I need to stretch in order to strengthen my core, and straighten out my spine and neck.  I have been having neck injuries for a while and I have been procrastinating for a while now.  I have been holding off on those despite what I have at my disposal: me.  I don't need any heavy weights or bulky equipment.  I don't have to worry about falling or anything else like that, but I have to deal with being overwhelmed.  Maybe stretching will somehow help me with that.

 Gardening and edging

 Home and decoration

 Crocheting

 Photography

 Muy Thai

Taking a break...with yoga and pilates

Obsessive thoughts and how to finally deal with them

Over the years, I have been having light bulb moments.  The light bulb moment is about the fact that I have had numerous obsessive thoughts over the years.  I have been having thoughts about television and watching television.  It all started with the thoughts about infidelity.  I am scared and have been afraid that a television show, book, or movie will produce a trigger about infidelity.  A word can trigger another thought or two.  I now realize that every obsession I have is connected to one another. I realize that and have been realizing that for a while.

However, it took this morning to find out that the obsession to infidelity is connected to weight fixation to being bullied to sexual obsessions to even racism.   It all makes sense now.  Racism and bullying are connected to my weight because I have low self esteem issues.  What do I do?  I don't know why I have the exact thoughts that I do, but I realize that it no longer matters.  The ways that I cope make things worse.  I am taking a big risk by writing it out.  However, I am taking a risk.  However, writing has been great medicine for me, so this is a way to think things through as well as to learn how to take action.  Confession is good for the soul but action I realize has to be taken afterwards.

So it all starts somewhere, so the solution is that I have to take some kind of action and realize that the nature of these thoughts are not logical and do not require actions.  Having these obsessive thoughts have caused me years of anxiety and heartache and guilt.  I feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I also felt guilty for having obsessions and compulsions.  The truth is, I have never had an affair but it is also true that I have never divorced, had a paternity issue with a man because I don't have kids by a man.  I don't have a man so I cannot say that I have a reason to worry about cheating.  For that reason, I have often wondered why I have had these thoughts despite all of this.  I have never cheated nor have I ever been cheated on.  Why do I have these thoughts?  Having said all of  that, I realize that applying logic to an obsessive thought is wise.  It will never work and hasn't been this way, so why try?  Why fight these thoughts?  I have identified illogical exaggerated thoughts that really make no sense.  Now how do I reconcile this with illogical sites?  I guess letting the thoughts pass by remembering what I wrote about infidelity and what I have written just now.

I realize that there have been times when there are thoughts that are exaggerated, if not all thoughts are exaggerations of real life stories.  Everything in those thoughts are exaggerations to the point where even fictional characters become real.  All things become real.  They are not.  What are the thoughts about?  The key is to no longer fight them.  I have to learn to see these thoughts for what they really and let them pass.  That key alone is so difficult to apply.  

However, there are times when the obsessive thoughts are based on real life.  I have been bullied over the years.  I am overweight and have been called names.  I am black and have often wondered about the world around me when it comes to race.  I ask for reassurance or I listen to those thoughts to the point where that is all I focus on.  However, they are thoughts and illogical ones nevertheless.  I was bullied because I was the overweight "smart kids" who was different.  I never spoke up, I never fought back, and I tended to try to ignore it.  Being called names hurt whether or not they are to one's face or behind one's back.  I have to see that there are times when in reality I have gotten over it and have moved on.  However, the thoughts say otherwise.  I have spent my life as a result listened to and cared what others think.  Those thoughts are heartbreaking to listen to.  How not to listen to them has been difficult.  Writing about this is no longer painful and causes waterworks.  Writing this has helped me to learn about myself.

The fact that I have been bullied has made me stronger.  I have had all of these thoughts for nearly a decade now and I cannot believe that I have survived all of this.  The sad truth is that they will always exist for this is an upside battle.  The truth of the matter is, I need to affirm myself and fight one thought at at time, one bit of anxiety at a time.  I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed over the years and now I have learned that dealing with an issue one at a time has helped me greatly.  It is like a building block.  Just take one action at a time. 

I have thoughts about race and racism.  There are things that I have noticed.  There is racism in the world.  I am a black person so I thought that I should see racism wherever I go.  Granted, there is racism everywhere but it is not fair to say that I am a expert on racism, nor do I or should I see racism like every other black person should see it.  Some black people are racists or bigots.  All of us have prejudged someone, which is unfortunate, but real racism is about power.  It is the power to inflict one's prejudice or bigotry on others.  It is the ability to discriminate based on race.  It has gotten to the point where I worry about race and racism as well as classicism in other countries.  There are poor people and there are rich people.  There may be or are tendencies but it would be unfair to label an entire country based on a news report or what I have been told by two people on the internet.  My obsession on race has been exaggerated to the point that it has been annoying.  I obviously know about other things besides race.  I have strong views on things and I believe that whatever strong views that I have the OCD latches on to it and race is one of them.  

I also have been having sexual obsessions such as crushes and obsessions.  I know that I have to make a confession which is embarrassing.  I have had crushes and obsessions on celebrities and normal people.  It is about the fact that I will never have a man on my own if I keep going the way I have been going.  I am or was afraid of having crushes or being obsessed because of what happened in the past.  I have done a great job of caring what others think.  The best thing for me to do is to confess and move on.  What  I should do right now is not to care about who I have a crush on or obsess with.  It is either Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, George Clooney, or Sage Stallone (who has since passed on).  My behavior has been embarrassing when it comes to my crushes and obsessions.  I don't feel good about the behavior and the exaggerated thoughts and realizations about these obsessions are so sad. I even question why I have these thoughts about men I will never meet, are unavailable, are dead, or who really don't like me back.  I have finally learned to embrace them and realize that if I distract myself and embrace them, I feel like I can move forward.

Hopefully I can finally realize that no matter what thoughts I have, I realize that with every obsessive thought, there is a pattern and a cycle.  Also there is a solution.

Having freedom from obsessive thoughts and relaxation through sleep

Today was a free day.  However, I've had some problems.  I just want the thoughts that I had today to pass.  Having OCD sucks.  Falling asleep suddenly has helped me some.  Sleep has a tendency to ease my mind some.  It is during those waking moments that I realize that there is some peace of mind that isn't impossible to grasp.  Silence is definitely golden during those periods.