Being a diabetic with PCOS

I am a woman in her 30s who has been having difficulty losing weight. I have only been diagnosed as having PCOS just a few years ago and I have difficulty controlling my food intake without the use of supplements or medication. I am overweight or rather clinically obese, diabetic, and have other health issues and I would like to know how to cope with these issues. 

This was what I wrote in the biographical section of the soulcysters.net website.  I am concerned about my health, yet I feel like I haven't been concerned enough.  I still am concerned yet I still eat mindlessly.  I eat what is available in the house.

Now I wonder if I should grocery shop for healthier foods and those healthier options.  I am not only concerned, I find myself worried sometimes.  I am still overweight with a number of health issues.  My diabetes I find was uncontrolled.  I am fearful now that things will get worse if I don't control my diabetes.

It seems as if others have a greater understanding of the risks of having diabetes except for me.  At least that is true for my family, even if I don't have diabetes.  I am not proud of having diabetes.  I don't want to suffer the risks and complications of diabetes.  I am just scared of them.

People have had their limbs amputated, some become blind, while others have had heart attacks.  I don't want that for myself.  I hope to live long enough to say that my issues have improved because I have controlled my diabetes.  Sometimes I wish that I could be cured.  But I wonder if everyone who has diabetes feel the same way.

Having diabetes can be rough at times.  I sometimes suffer from having low blood sugar, so I tend to eat whatever I could find, namely sweets.  I feel like I have got to do this and do that.  Yet the urgency especially to lose weight has caused me a lot of stress instead of a lot of change.  Because of this lack of change, I am now afraid of this cycle of stress and a lack of knowledge.  Only I can break this cycle and that is what I plan to do.

"Anniversary" by Tony, Toni, Tone

I love listening to romantic songs like this one.  Anniversary is sung by some underrated, talented artists by the name of Tony, Toni, Tone.  I remember listening to romantic music and it made me feel, I don't know, "romantic" and beautiful inside.  What will it be like to celebrate an anniversary with the one I love?  I realize that I have an unrealistic view of relationships.  Romance is a wonderful thing, but I am of the understanding that romance is even something one has to remain. Romance in itself is a beautiful word.

RIP; Maya Angelou

 Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may tread me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you? 

Why are you beset with gloom? 

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken? 

Bowed head and lowered eyes? 

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you? 

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you? 

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs? 

Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise. 

Maya Angelou

Introducing my OCD Persona

What shall I call the woman who has troubled me all these years?  This woman is not my friend.  She is a rather toxic person who has been causing me much distress.  I don't know her name, which escapes me, but it is as if I have known her all of my life.  All that she has brought me is grief and years of regret.  She is not a nice person yet she has become a part of me.  As you can see, I have had OCD for a long time now.  I will miss her, but at the same time, I will be glad when she leaves.

Her thinking is irrational.  People cheat.  Couples divorce.  People don't like each other.  Some people are better off when they are apart.  No gender, race, or age is immune.  Some people are good people and some are bad people.  Cheating doesn't make one a good person but one does not have to be a bad person to cheat, if that makes any sense.  That is what I believe, right or wrong.  That is just how I see things.  The OCD persona seems to delve into the deepest part of who I am, I mean who I am not.  She is judgmental of adulterers, especially female ones.  She is mean and so anxiety-ridden she is not irrational and she has had me confused.

I couldn't live without her by my side so she is quite annoying.  I can and am finally annoy her for who she is. Though she doesn't have a specified name, I know who she is and what she is about.  She is her own distinct personality and I just don't like her.  She wants me to become like her and I wish that she would just go away.  Realistically, she won't.  I hate to say that she will always be a part of my life but that is what it seems to be.

She kept me away from what I desire to do, like have fun.  I have to always walk on eggshells with her.  It is as if I needed approval from her.  I have done a good job engaging in avoidance because of her.  I am filled at times with regret because of her.  She has not driven me to the edge, but I became just as anxiety-ridden as her.  She has caused me to have doubts.

Everything seemed so real because my mind was playing tricks on me, even with characters other people create.  A woman gets caught cheating on her husband in a movie.  How do I feel about it?  That has got to be an embarrassing situation and a hurtful one at that.  She has to be feeling horrible about what she is doing. Regardless of who did what in the marriage, it is her fault, not his.  Is she a bad person?  I don't know.  I am not the guilty party, but Jesus forgave the adulteress, and if the adulteress in question were a real person, then she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions and will be forgiven.  Adultery is destructive and it just hurts.  How will I know that if I have no idea what it is like to become a cheater or the one cheated on?  I am drawn to stories about infidelity and even want to read books about it, only to regret it.

I have allowed the OCD Persona to worry even scare me.  I am fearful of anything that can trigger an obsessive thought, so I have engaged in avoidance.  Now here is the same situation from the OCD Persona's perspective.  A woman gets caught cheating on her husband in a movie.  She is a horrible person who doesn't deserve her husband who loved her and respected her.  I don't want them to divorce but whatever regret and pain that comes her way, she is deserving of it.  There is no mercy for women who cheat.  If that were a cheating man then it wouldn't bother me as much.  I just hate cheating women more than I do cheating men, especially if they cheat with numerous men.  Cheating women are more immoral compared to cheating men.  I have no love or respect for them.  Forgiveness for cheating women are hard to come by.  I have to find out what happens to her.  I have to avoid any traces of infidelity because I hate them.  I have to avoid it because of my hatred for them.  Cheating women are foolish and not good people.  Maybe she should be killed by her cuckolded husband, or even beaten.

Men cheat and it is more normal.  Cheating women are also fools, much bigger than the men, even though I can find it more forgivable when a man cheats.  How can she love anyone but herself whenever she cheats?  Why did she do it?  I see things from the man's point of view.  I don't like divorce, but if they do, then she should suffer.  Men who cheat are wrong, but women who cheat are bad.

Wow.  It is powerful.  I am glad that I am a different person from the one who is the OCD Persona.  I have come to realize that I can separate myself from the OCD Persona.  I got anxious as I was writing this.  It has not been easy identifying both persona's.  It can be daunting at times, but at least anything is possible.  While truth can be stranger than fiction, I wonder how she really feels about me.  Why do I have specific thoughts? Can I truly live without her?  Who am I to judge?  I know that believers will judge the angels and that we are to judge in a godly way, but we are all adulterers.  I realize that why I have it is just one of those uncertainties that I will never get a true answer for.

John Legend

John Legend is a very good singer and an all-around talented artist.  There are so many songs that sound the same and artists who sound the same I have no idea who they are.  John Legend is quite unique where his songs can capture the heart, or make one dance.  Here are a few songs from him:

 "All of Me"

 "Save Room"

 "Ordinary People"

I have finally realize what I am afraid of.

I am afraid that I will become a judgmental hateful person. I am afraid that I will not like or hate people in an ungodly way. I fear being that person especially if they cheat or anything else. I am afraid that I will be like other people who have those same judgments. I am also afraid that I will continue to have the world on my shoulders because I make everything my business. But most of all, I am afraid that these thoughts will never end and that the OCD 'persona' will always be here.

I am also afraid of anything triggering another thought. I read up stuff online and I am just drawn to it. I am just afraid that I will never live life without going through the OCD cycle. I need to pray for people who do wrong and learn how to deal with others who behave badly. How do I begin to do that? How do I overcome those fears?

Is there a cure for OCD?  If only there was, I have no idea what man has in store for me in terms of a cure. Thankfully, Jesus is a Healer.  He came to save, minister, and heal.   I realize that if Jesus can heal, save, and minister centuries ago, then He can do that today.  That is the hope that I have.

Having natural hair

I love having natural hair.  It is very versatile and not too hard to take care of.  I tend to wash and go sometimes and I don't have to be concerned with too much shrinkage.  According to the Naturally Curly website, my hair is 3C, or curly coily hair.  My hair is thickest at the crown and my hair tends to grow the fastest around the ears and in the back.  I am not worried about the hair in the front.  I have what some black people call "a good grade of hair".  I have come to realize that while those who say that meant no harm, it is rather an unfair, unkind thing to say.  I wonder then, who has bad hair.  What is bad hair?  Why is some hair labeled good, pretty hair and others not?  I have noticed that I have an issue with my own hair texture because it is not labeled"bad hair".

I think that we live in a society that is permeated with images of people who have a certain look, yet many people on television look nothing like me, even most black people.  I think the whole "good grade of hair", "good hair", "bad hair" thing is rather sad.  Good hair shouldn't mean black hair that is closer to a more European, non-African slant, which is an insult to people who have thicker, curlier hair.  It is similar to how people are defined by skin tone.  Some people think that a person who is lighter skinned or "mixed" is more attractive than one who is darker-skinned or "more African", whatever that means.  The truth is, there should never be such a thing as good hair or bad hair, or "more African" or "less African".  There is just too much division within the black African diaspora, especially in the US.  I have noticed those subtleties ever since I was a child.  I remember the relaxers and the hot combs that have gotten me more compliments because of my "pretty hair".  I wonder now if I were to get those same compliments from the same people if I were to wear my natural hair in view of them.  Would they still say I have "pretty hair"?  Or would it be "bad hair"?

Should we even use the phrase "good hair", even if the definition of "good hair" is that of well-conditioned hair that is properly taken care of?  I wonder about a lot of things, but that is something that has opened my eyes.  I have learned much about myself with the natural hair that I have.  I love my hair just the way it is.  I have grown more confident going outside with this hair.  You know what makes me really happy?  It is the fact that with natural hair, I can finally be who I want to me.  I am freer than I have ever been and I can finally be myself.

Having bipolar disorder

Being bipolar can be quite a difficult thing to handle.  I have been diagnose 20 years ago and some days are better than others.  However, showing a lack of focus is a tough thing to deal with, especially right now.  I sometimes have a hard time concentrating, which I have to really overcome.  I recall as a student in college studying physics, I had to take difficult test after test, yet I look back and realize that if only I could concentrate, then it would have been easier.  It doesn't help that I had to take medication and falling asleep in class while sitting in the front role is quite embarrassing.  The medication leveled off my moods, but they put me to sleep.  At least it was better than walking out of class, which I did when I was first diagnosed.

 It was a difficult time when I was diagnosed as I had suicidal thoughts and things went downhill.  It was an all of a sudden thing.  Everything was well, yet when I turned 19, everything seemed to go downhill.  Socially and in other areas, I began to suffer.  My grades have slipped and I began to do things I wasn't proud of.  I even thought about actually taking my own life.  I cannot believe how far I have come as I am typing this.  Thanks be to God, I am no longer suicidal or having suicidal thoughts and things have improved, including my grades. There was a range of emotions I was going through as I had to look back and deal with the sudden onset and the fact that it had an effect on my life.  All I can say is that I didn't do anything so messed to the point where there was greater suffering and for that, I am thankful.

Couponing as a hobby

Today I find myself couponing and hopefully will end up saving a lot of money.  I have always admired how people can save so much money on food.  Maybe I have no strategy or I don't have enough people to help. I find it strangely relaxing because of the nature of couponing.  It also doesn't hurt that it has helped relax my mind.  I just hope that I can continue to do so.

You're All I Need To Get By by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell ( RIP)

I Won't Have to Worry Anymore by Jeff and Shari Easter

The song that has been playing in my head has and still is, giving me great comfort.  It is "I Won't Have to Worry Anymore".  I believe that God is telling me something.  I do tend to be anxious yes, but I also tend to worry about practically everything.  In other words, I sweat the small stuff.  I worry about my entertainment choices but I realize that as a believer, I am led and called by God, not by the things of the world.  I admit that I have been so caught up in the world instead of the Word.  That is not a good thing to be.  Allowing oneself to be distracted is a way to make sure one does not get their work done.  That is what has happened to me.  One day, my hope is to not have worries, but in the meantime, dealing with both worry and anxiety is something that I hope that can be conquered.  But I realize that as I am writing this, I have already won.

My entertainment choices

Physically I am feeling a lot better.  I am still in some pain but I will be okay.  Right now, I am watching an award show, "The 2014 Billboard Awards".  The sad thing is that I am just learning about some of these young artists.  Because I am so nostalgic, I feel bad about not knowing who a lot of these artists are.  I only have little to no clue if they are talented singers, songwriters, or rappers.  I know of Alicia Keys, Eminem, Nicki Minaj, Pitbull, Rihanna, and Shakira.  I listen and know of some of their songs, but I know little about Ariana Grande, One Direction, Iggy Azalea, or even Jason Derulo.  I can barely think of any of their songs off the top of my head.  I am sure all of these young people are talented but I have little interest in listening to most modern music.  My reasoning is that some of the music out there just isn't that good.  I miss groups and bands like Boyz II Men and the Gap Band.  I am 39, so I seem rather biased and old, but there are times when I miss listening to music I grew up listening to.  Now I like listening to some of the newer artists like Shakira, Maroon 5,  Alicia Keys, Katy Perry, Beyonce, and Robin Thicke, but I like everyone else have my preferences.  I guess everyone has their biases when it comes to music.  My bias is nostalgia but as I write this, I would like to not be so set in my ways when it comes to music much less anything else.

As for TV goes, I feel like a lot of shows are or look to be good shows; it is just that I cannot get into them. One of the reasons why I don't watch a lot of tv shows is because I find movies and music more interesting.  I rather browse or watch a clean, wholesome film than most tv shows today.  The selection of shows that I watch are not very broad.  My TV watching habits have changed much over the years.  Being a believer in Christ has a lot to do with that and I wish I judged what I watch on television and movies based on religious beliefs.  I believe that time is too short to fuss over entertainment choices and that the most important thing for Christians to do is to be lights in a dark world, not to find us being entertained and caught up with the world.  I may be a bit nostalgic when it comes to TV but I can tell you more about a daytime drama or "The Cosby Show" than I can tell you about "Blue Bloods" or the Bachelor.  Speaking of the Bachelor, there are just too many reality shows to catch up on, plus I just don't like or watch a lot of them.  A lot of what is called entertainment just irks me so I avoid it.

There I go, in summary, I am not a big fan of much of reality TV, which I don't really see is based on reality, award shows, and most prime time lineups on tv.  I realize that regardless of age, or mindset, I find myself changing with the times but also a bit stuck.  That is a blessing and a curse when it comes to my entertainment choices.

My life as of today

So, what has been going on with me?  Well, I have been ill lately.  Sadly it took me a while to realize that an illness is what puts things into perspective.  I went to physical therapy to exercise and work on my back yesterday and I had to open my eyes.  I had to open my eyes about my weight and myself in general.  I don't like my appearance yet I don't like being sick either.  I am not a rocket science, but it doesn't have to take one to figure out what I need to do.  I need to lose weight but only for myself.  I am not in good health.

I recall a time when my health was so much better.  It was before I gained so much weight.  It was before I have become so anxious.  I remember all of the events like it was yesterday.  It was a week or so before Christmas in 2006.  I was reading random things online and all of a sudden I couldn't get it out of my mind.  I recall not using the internet as much as I once did, so I didn't have many blogs either.  I don't recall having a blog, period.

By 2007 I was anxiety ridden and stopped taking care of myself.  I wonder if that was the reason why I began to gain weight. There may be a link between anxiety and the condition I have now.  I believe that if that were the case then it is a chicken and egg thing.  Did the anxiety cause the PCOS symptoms to at least worsen or did the PCOS make my weight issues and the anxiety worse?  The truth is, I was overweight most of my life.  For a while I felt guilty about being overweight and I looked for inspiration so that I can affirm myself.  Nowadays, it is easier said than done.

Losing weight has been an even bigger struggle for me than it was in the past.  Plus I was at least more active then.  I was overweight sure, but I was never self-conscious about going to a gym.  I am still not but despite my self-consciousness I have become more self-conscious than ever lately.  I wasn't so self-conscious all that much even back then.  I wanted to lose weight and even though my diet was poor I was actually losing weight.  My metabolism wasn't as slow then as it is now.  I was not athlete but I did enjoy going outside and walking and using the gym equipment.

Nowadays, I wish I had that mentality.  Exercise has become a chore and I wonder if I am even physically able to even walk.  I am but I would like to stop procrastinating.  I don't want to live out the rest of my days being so self-conscious and taking so much medication.  I have gotten used to the medication but that doesn't mean I am also self-conscious of the medication.  I am now 60+ pounds heavier than I was when I was first diagnosed as having PCOS and anxiety.  If I could lose the 60 pounds, I realize that I was be satisfied with that, but I would still be too overweight.  If I could lose about 100 pounds, which is my goal, then I would be greater than satisfied.

Having PCOS is something that I wish I had thought about earlier, then maybe something could have been done years ago.  However, there is no crying over spilled milk.  There is nothing I can do about the past.  I do wonder how things would have turned out if I did know about it.  Oh well, I will never truly know.  The best I can do is count my blessings.

How my day and my life have really been

Today I have to say that I fasted, prayed, and read devotionals.  I even listened to the radio and exercised. Despite the day I have been having lately, I have a long way to go in saying that my day is perfect.  The truth is, I wish I could see my self and my world in more of a positive light, but I don't.  I sometimes don't understand or even know what is wrong with me.  I don't want or expect pity.  That isn't why I am typing this.  I want to be set free from this.  I write to express myself and it may take a while to do so.

I have always had to struggle with low self-esteem.  It has been a hard battle because I find myself caring so much what other people think.  Maybe there is a part of me that has not matured or grown up.  Maybe I have not moved on.  I want to people to have good feelings about me but I live in a fantasy world so I wonder if I live in a fantasy world where I put up this wall.  The fantasy world is mentally a world where I can be a different person than I am.

I am good at writing and imagining things, but putting things into practice on a consistent basis has been difficult.  I guess it is difficult for everyone but to me it is a struggle.  Sometimes I feel like I am clueless and lost as to know what to do.  I feel disconnected from the world and from God and that is a lonely feeling to have.  I expect a mighty move of God yet I seem to get nothing but silence.  It can be unbearable in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I just make things harder for myself than I have been.

I wonder if there is something that I am not doing.  Everything is a chore and I have a hard time concentrating.  It is hard to focus on important things unless they are affecting me personally, or so it seems. Sometimes whenever I am focused, it seems to become obsessive.  I am well-aware that I have a problem and everything seems to be a cycle, even my prayers become a part of the cycle.  How do I get out of the cycle of eating and weight gain, infidelity stories, and living in reality?  But what if my fantasy world is my reality?  What if this is it?  There are times when I felt like giving up and there are times when I am hopeful. Hopefully after I write this, I will become more hopeful.

My struggle for today

I hope that I am just bloated.  I have gotten so out of shape I can barely move.  I don't know what is really wrong with me.  I wish that I written an entry yesterday but alas, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until some time after 4:00 AM.  That is just my luck.  I hate that I am having such difficulty losing weight.  I need help.

I have PCOS and that makes things even harder than I am making it I guess.  How do I get over a sluggish metabolism?  That is something that worries me.  I don't want to stay this weight.  For years I stayed at a certain weight only to be content then to gain more weight, like I am now.  It took me a while to realize that this will become a cycle if I don't do something about it.

I feel like giving up but I realize that it is not the right thing to do.  I feel bad for wanting to give up but I see those who have an inability to walk even the shortest distances and I feel even worse.  It is so sad to watch but they are on an inspiration to me.  I am not over 400-500 pounds, but being overweight is not healthy.  I am scared for my future and not just my health.

I have even thought about weight loss surgery.  I need, desire, and want to change.  I have thought about weight loss surgery and even weighed the costs but I am still a bit apprehensive.  I realize that I have to take a course of action or I will be unable to move or lack the ability to breathe properly.  I am thankful that I can breathe and walk, but lack the ability to do other things other people take for granted.

I am about 5'2" tall and weigh more than 300 lbs.  This means I have a high BMI thus being at a great risk for a myriad of health problems, some of which I have.  I have worked and worked and failed and failed. Maybe I should start giving myself some advice.

Why do I really want to lose weight?

That is a question that I need to continually ask myself.    The truth is, I don't know.  The fact that I need to lose weight has been a struggle.  I have been told I need to lose weight.  I am trying to lose weight, but I thought of something this morning:  Am I ready?  Am I really ready to lose weight?  Do I have that desire to lose weight and keep it off?  Am I content with being overweight?

Those are the questions that I have yet to answer myself.  I did all of the wrong things to lose weight. Ironically, I have done many of the right things.  I am starting to apply myself.  Maybe I am seeing things from the wrong perspective.  That is why I haven't been ready.

Well starting today, I have been ready.  I am ready to lose the weight and keep it off.  I am overweight; I am truly self-conscious.  I have a hard time doing things others who are a healthier weight do.  I had difficulty putting on my socks this morning.  However, I can still tie my shoes which is a relief.  I also was concerned about how my clothes fit.  I am okay since I am wearing looser clothes which says something about my comfort level with my weight.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I wasn't as self-conscious as I am now.  I weigh over 300 lbs and I want to start off slow.  I wish that I could lose weight fast, but losing weight fast is very difficult for me, not to mention not a healthy thing.  I now have diabetes, high blood sugar, and also high cholesterol.  That is not a good combination as I am a 30-something woman who takes a large amount of pills per day.  I guess I am wrong because people of all ages takes medication for whatever condition that they have.  I am also self-conscious about the amount of medication that I take.

I tend to also eat mindlessly and binge.  I am not sure if I have a major issue, but it is an issue nevertheless.  I want to lose weight and I want to be healthy.  I am not a healthy young woman right now and I want to be healthier.  I remember a time when I wasn't diabetic and having to make appointments to several specialists including a nutritionist and an endocrinologist.  I have wondered that if I wasn't overweight would I have developed PCOS.  In other words, does obesity cause PCOS or does PCOS cause obesity.  I do not eat according to the symptoms that I have.

My diet is not healthy but I am trying to work on it.  I know about a lot of things but I have had difficulty applying what I have learned to my own life.  I have spent a long time making meal plans, budgeting, making grocery lists, and reading up on PCOS.  I have learned to respect myself and hold myself accountable.  I have all of the healthy foods in the house but I am the only one who eats them much of the time.  I have quite a few issues with food and I would like to change those habits.

I realize that I have a strong desire to lose weight and keep it off.  I have a set goal in mind.  I would like to lose about 100 lbs.  I would like myself more if I were to lose weight is a flawed mindset.  I would like to like myself no matter what size.  I am self-conscious, yes, but I have learned that joy and happiness should never be determined by a scale number.  Joy and happiness doesn't see size and neither does self-confidence.  I admire those women who are larger or curvier who have it together and don't seem to be self-conscience.  I want that for myself.

I would also like to limit the number of medications that I take throughout the day.  I would also like to fit into clothing that I haven't worn in years.  My desire is not to weigh more than I do because of my health issues.  I know that weight loss is a difficult journey, but does it have to be difficult?  Can I get out of a weight loss plateau without feeling like giving up?  I have every reason to want to eat healthy and move a muscle, sort of speak.  Diet is such a limiting term and so does exercise.  Exercise is a chore and not something that I would like to do.  More than anything, I would like to have my mind renewed and to not let frustrations get to me.

That is what happened. I overate to the point where I have gained nearly all of my weight back and now I have to start all over again.  I felt like the plateau I was in was frustrating when in fact, I was doing something right.  I wish that I thought of that before.  Why didn't I think of that?  Oh well, there is no use crying over spilled milk.  I have now to think about and a future where I can visualize a healthier person.  Losing weight is more than well worth it, it is a journey just like life.  I wish myself luck on this journey and now I know why I desire to lose and why I know what I need to do.

I have a crush on Sly Stallone...a little bit, lol

 "Nighthawks"

 "Rambo 4"

 "Rambo: First Blood"

 "Rocky III"

 "Rocky IV"

 "The Expendables"

 "Tango and Cash"

 "Demolition Man"

I believe how many movies I have seen Sylvester Stallone in.  He is a much better actor than some people give him credit for.  I know he has been nominated for a lot of Razzies instead of Oscars, but I for one, don't  think he's that bad.  It certainly doesn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes, lol.  I embrace the fact that I have an adult crush on anyone for that matter.  I don't think it is idolatry.  I think that it is the OCD that latches on to anything and has caused me a lot of headache.  I am and will continue to be, okay.

The Black African Diaspora in Videos

I have often paid tribute to those of the Black African diaspora.  I am not sure about all of the bonding between those of the diaspora but to be sure we all have a lot in common.  Most of our ancestors struggled, we have assimilated into the larger societies, and we have made many contributions.  I am proud of being a part of that diaspora.  These are among the videos that I have shared with others on Youtube.  I am proud of my African heritage, though I am not African.  I am an American and that is who I am.  I live in a diverse nation where people of all colors have either contributed to good or have done bad things.  I don't ever want to forget who I am or where I come from.  

A believer who has OCD

Today, nothing is bothering me.  However, I wish I knew right now what to write about....

Oh yes, I remember what to write about.  It is about my life as a Christian who have OCD.  It is time that I make no more excuses for sinful behavior such as gluttony.  I sometimes hate the phrase "failure is not an option", but at other times I like it.  No one wants to fail, but the reality is, as flawed human beings, we do so.  As I am typing this right now, someone has failed at something.  Such is life.

I have been a Christian for a while now and the truth is, I don't know when was the last time I can safely say I became a believer in Christ.  I have been having doubts about being a believer for many years now.  I know that nothing can separate believers from God's love, but sometimes I feel that way.  I even have doubts concerning my doubts.  Maybe it is the OCD.  I have been diagnosed as having OCD for a number of years now and needless to say, some days have been better than others.

I have been doubtful and obsessed about a number of things, namely infidelity, religion, and race and racism. I wasn't so sure how others would react to my having OCD.  It is not an easy condition to have.  There is so much guilt and doubt.  I can relate to the guilt not only as an OCD sufferer, but also as a Christian.  I scrutinize every area of my life to see if even this is obsessive.  I do tend to check on things by reading stories, asking people questions, and prayer.

As a believer in Christ, I am supposed to know that I am a believer because I am to walk in faith and know God's voice.  How come it is much harder for me to walk in faith whenever I am "clouded" by doubt.  I recall James 1 that doubters are unstable in all of their ways.  Do I doubt God's salvation and therefore I am not a believer?  What is wrong with me?  I wish I knew.

Happy 20th Anniversary to the "Brandy" Album.

I hope that I am not race obsessed

I wondered about that this morning.  My hope is that I have repented of this.  I am not a racist, but I wonder if this is true or not.  I feel uncomfortable around other groups and sometimes even my own group.  I don't hate any one particular group but I find other groups of people unfamiliar to me.  That is what concerns me.

I am scared that I may be a racist.  Even though I have repented, I still feel like I have some obsession with race and ethnicity as well as skin tone.  I come from a place where race and color do matter and I believe that this is where it stems from.  I am scared that I may be prejudiced, bigoted, or racist.

I am worried that I may have the qualities that I don't believe I possess.  I wondered if a racist, bigot, or someone who is prejudiced a good or bad person.  I have a hard time looking past the racist attitudes of a person, so I wouldn't think that they are good people.  I also have a hard time looking past the sins of others and label them bad people.  There are just certain things about myself that I would like to change.

I am also scared that I may also be a judgemental bigot towards other groups and others who do wrong. I just have so many questions about myself, some more mundane than others?  Why do some black people including myself refer to each other as brothas and sistas when we have so much division in our communities? Why is it so important that we have to care what other groups think? (I"m black.)  We are all people.  We all have needs, wants, and desires.  Just be yourself.

I guess it is like the infidelity thoughts that I have.  I am scared that I may be a racist who hates people or become one who hates others, yet doesn't like the judgement of others.  It is okay to not like or even hate what someone did, but I wonder if that has turned to hatred of the people and those that look like them instead of learning how to love one's own people and letting that be the motivation.

There are so many in the black community who hate white people today because of the evils of some white people in the past.  I believe some hate white people not just because of that, but because of whatever perceptions they think a white person in particular may have.  I have noticed that some of the very ones who hate others are the ones who do want to be accepted from others and make it an issue.  On the other hand, their claim is to lift up one another when in fact, it is hatred that brought black people down in the first place.

I have come to realize that when I was so obsessed with race, color, and class that I asked someone from a foreign country about that very issue to them.  Needless to say, they were rather rude; he or she told me that they didn't like black people.  I was angry and did not respond.  I just cut them off.  I realize it is that I wanted to care what others think and that I was really angry not just because of the rudeness but because I have an issue with people not liking me.  In short, my issue was internal.  Based on my experience, I have learned that we are somehow shaped by our experiences.

I am a conservative who did not vote for Barack Obama because of the issues.  Race played no role to me at all and it is sad that it played any role into whether or not President Obama was elected.  I don't like it when people put racism in areas where they don't belong.  I also have more pet peeves.  I hate it when people are critical of interracial unions.  I heard a funny quote from a comedy, "It doesn't matter to me. We're all black when the lights go out."

We are all supposed to be African dating far back, so what is the problem?  I believe that not just racism per se, but the sin of the world and racism is an evil and divisive tool.  Sunday is the most segregated day of the week.  I even had the nerve to ask a white pastor if I would be accepted in his service.  He said that I would be.  He was a rather nice man, but it pained me that I would ask that.  I wanted to be liked by others, black or white.

To me, I saw what it is like being black differently.  I saw blackness as a badge of victimhood instead of love, pride, honor, respect, and struggle.  Yes, black people have been victimized and there is still a lot to be done, but success, power, and intelligence does not equate to whiteness.  There is a lot of brainwashing in the black community in the US and I believe that we have to do the work ourselves.  This requires a renewal of our minds and learning to respect one another and learn how to disagree.  We also need to quit blaming others and support the very ones that support us.  Education is also very important.

Yes, terrible things have happened and are still happening to this day to people of all races and all colors, but lets not use education to divide and enslave people.  Education is there for people to learn and to uplift people.  Black people have more power now than we ever had before and we are taking too long to expect someone else to hold us up or postpone things we should be doing.  This is an issue that has me fired up.  I think that hating and blaming others including white people is not the answer.  It is learning to love, respect, appreciate, and accept one another.

What's going on?

Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today, yeah

Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket sign
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see
Oh, what's going on
What's going
What's going on
What's going on

Right on, baby
Right on
Right on

Mother, mother
Everybody thinks we're wrong
Oh, but who are they to judge us
Simply because our hair is long
Oh, you know we've got to find a way
To bring some understanding here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Come on talk to me
So you can see
What's going on
What's going on
Tell me what's going on
I'll tell you ya, what's going on

Right on, baby
Right on, baby
Right on, baby

Trusting in Jesus Christ for all things

I have trusted in Christ for my salvation, but hardly anything else.  Being a Christian is about being a truly saved, born-again, regenerated believer who strives to be perfected in Christ.  We are to be thankful and prayerful and trust Him.  We are to be obedient in all things.  The Old Testament writes that it is better to be obedient than to sacrifice.  An obedient person atones and repents daily.  I have a lot of repenting to do and I have had difficulties that would not stun or surprise anyone due to what I have written in my past.  What will stun people will be the lack of trust and gratefulness that I have demonstrated.  Prayer is nothing without trust.  Prayer changes not just the situation but the person praying.  I have learned a lot today and that to trust Christ is essential to a believer's life and so is application of that trust.

Difficulties are here and may lay further ahead...

I can relate to the person above.  It is difficult.  Life in general for most people is difficult.  We all have our issues and our problems.  I believe in a lot of things, but it is difficult to put those things into practice.  One such thing is the issue of eating.  I do tend to binge and overeat at times.  Yep, I have to still deal with that issue.  I realize that I need to change and have realized that I have not changed much.  I still drink sugary drinks, eat fatty foods, and not eat enough fruits and vegetables for the day.  That has got to change.  I have to promise myself that I know I can do this.  This requires a change of mind and heart.  I need to affirm myself.  The problem is, I have difficulty putting it into practice.  I just wish things were easier said or written or thought than actually done.

Shine on Us by Avalon

I will learn and never forget.

I posted all of these pics up because I want to know how I as a black person should identify myself.  Yes, I am a woman of God, but the outside of me says something else.  How should I identify myself in the context of the Black African diaspora?  I am a patriotic, Christian, proud American, but I do wonder how African am I?  Am I that far removed that I shouldn't at least claim a small piece of Africa for myself?  I ask myself these questions because of the varying views of black Americans online and I find their points of views interesting.  As a believer, I believe that Jesus died for those of black African origin, whether or not they are American, Nigerian, Colombian, or Jamaican.  As an American, I am one of many.  As a black person, I am unique.  I came from a people who even though they were removed from their ancestral homes and largely not allowed to practice much of their ancestral heritage, became Americanized and accomplished much in a country where there were many obstacles to overcome.  I am proud of who I am first and foremost as a child of God, a human being, and a black African descendant, and an American.  I don't know much about articulating myself as far as my identity, but despite what has happened to black Americans during enslavement and beyond, I don't believe that we are a lost people without a true identity.  We are not African in the geographical sense, but I wonder how much of Africa is truly left inside of me.  I would like to know for myself about Egypt, Mali, Nigeria, and Malawi from travel, reading, and corresponding with others.  All of us are Africans judging from the "Out of Africa" theory. What is wrong with learning from each other instead of judging one another?  What is right about judging those "on the outside" so to speak?  What is wrong with learning about Sundiata and North Africans like Hannibal in our text books?  The Ancient Egyptians were Africans, so why does it matter what race they were?  I do believe that the history of blacks have not fully been taught by people who lack an agenda.  Some have a racist agenda.  Some have a liberal agenda.  Some have a well-meaning agenda.  But I wonder what is wrong with having a balanced agenda?  Why wait until college to learn about Sundiata and Mansa Musa like I did?  Why didn't I learn about them when I was a kid?  Why wait until I had a computer to learn about Fredi Washington and Louise Beavers and other black actresses from long ago?  Why couldn't I have learned about why there was a connection between Mali and Macedonia?  Had I known then what I know now.